If tomorrow never comes
Its 3am here in Washington and I've been up listening to sad songs for the past three hours. I try everyday not to cry. I tell myself Bruce would want me to be happy but I can't seem to stop. Late at night is the worse time. I look at he moon I cry. I look at our chairs sitting, empty out by the lake I cry. The day before Bruce died, he put a couple of his dress Shirts in my hamper. I know this is probably going to sound bad but I still haven't washed them. I take turns sleeping in them each night. Tonight, when I put one on, I couldn't smell his cologne and I started to cry. I felt like a part of him had left me.
I listened to a Garth Brooks, song tonight "If tomorrow never comes." One of the lines in the song says, "if tomorrow never comes will she know how much I loved her." I have no doubts in my heart that Bruskiasban loved me. I constantly, questioned why? Once, I broke up with him because I thought he was too good for me. I told him he should be with someone who was more like him. I wouldn't talk to him for days. I ignored his texts and calls. After 3 days, he put a letter on my door. I wish I could post the letter, but my publisher's won't let me because its in the book. But in it he tells me how much he loves me and how badly his heart was broken. I'd give anything to have those three days back. That poor man, put up with so much out of me. After he died, Val and I found letters, poems and things he had written down in notebooks in his office. I thought to myself, he was kinda like me and these were his verson of the journals I wrote in everyday. When Val and I read the notes, of course, most of it was in German so Val had to read them to me, with both sobbed for hours. He struggled too, with trying to be a good man. He worried tht he hadn't done enough to help certain people and struggled with his own demons. At least, those were his words. I can't imagine he had any.
I listened to an Alison Krauss song, '''when you saynothing at all". I love that song. When she sings "the touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall..." I miss Bruce's touch more than anything. Everytime he opened my car door for me he kissed me before I got in the car. When we walked through a restaurant or store he always had his hand on the middle of my back. When we would sit out by the lake he always held my hand. I don't know why, but Bruce always kissed my forhead. If we were saying good bye or good night he always kissed me on the lips, but his last kiss was always on my forehead. The morning he died, he put both hands on each side of my head and kissed my forehead before he walked out to the boat. The was the last kiss.
I hope he knows how much I loved him. I hoped he died, knowing that he made a difference in my life and that I will never forget him.
"If tomorrow never come will she now how much I loved her? Did I try in every way to show her everyday, that she's my only one? And if my time on earth is through and she must face this world without me is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last if tomorrow never comes?"
Yes. It's enough. He couldn't have loved me more.
When my publisher's gave me my manuscript back with changes they wanted I noticed on the last page they had written... "The End." I marked through it and wrote "This is not the End, I will see you again, my friend." They didn't want to put that in the book, because the end is the traditional way of ending a book. I told them this was my book and it was not the end of our story.