Here's Your Sign


I've struggled even more lately with Bruce being gone.  He's been gone six months and my emotions are all over the place.  I miss him so much.  Somedays, I'm just so heart broken all I can do is cry.  Somedays guilt just cripples me.  I feel guilty and sad for all the times we broke up.    I wish I had that time back.  

Valdor keeps telling me we are supposed to be together.  He says that's what Bruce would want. He tells me he loved me when Bruce was alive and that he and Bruce had discussed it.  Sarah (Valdor's ex wife) confirms that fact.  Valdor said he and Bruce both knew that I would always love Bruce and that Bruce was flattered that Valdor loved me too.  I just don't know.  I do know I'm not ready to love anyone, yet.  I'm not ready to move on.

I love the that Valdor and I spread Bruce's ashes in the lake at a park near my house.  Now, I have a place I can go and feel close to Him. I sat on a log near the spot we spread Bruce's ashes talking to him one night.  I told Bruce how badly I was hurting, missing him and about the guilt.  I asked Bruce for a sign.  I asked him did he want me to be with Valdor or was that betraying him.  Just as I said the words out loud a tap on my shoulder startled me.  Valdor handed me his business card.  He had drawn a heart and wrote I love you on the back.  "Here's your sign." he said laughing.

Valdor had been in Quebec.  I didn't even know that he had come back to Kirkland that day.  He didn't know I was at the park.  He said he walked up just as he heard me ask Bruce the question so he took a card out of his jacket pocket and wrote those words.

Was that my sign or was that just a coincidence?  I don't know.  

Valdor is in Sweden now for the next week.  Boeing International is moving Valdor's department to Quebec and opening up another branch in Sweden so he will be doing a lot of traveling between now and his retirement in October.  He said until he retires he will give me all the time I need.  Time doesn't seem to help.  I've never lost someone I've loved.  Well, grandparents, but not someone I was in love with.  I just don't know how to turn it off.