Well tomorrow I'm supposed to meet with my attorney and recieve my part of Bruce's estate.  It doesn't seem real.  I really won't believe it until I see it.  I'll have to think of something to honor Bruce.  I'm also going to sell the house to Val.  He wants it and I don't think I can live there.  I've been staying there the couple of days and its painful being there without him.  

I had to "unfriend"  about  10 people on my facebook page.  I'm amazed at the number of people who asked me for money.  Money I don't have yet.  It's not the asking that bothered me,it was the rude messages when I didn't respond or if I said, I don't have the money yet I will think about it then they responded rudely.  Two people actually said if "Bruce was alive he would give us the money."  Really?  Because he couldn't be conned and he would never stand for rude behavior or dishonesty.  

I would not have the nerve to do something like that and I certainly, wouldn't call someone bad names if they  don't say "Oh, I'll mail you a check today."  Some of these people asked for thousands of dollars.  Unbelieveable.

As Baby Girl and I walked today, I noticed a group of children laughing and playing.  I thought back to my own childhood.  Wouldn't it be nice to go back for just one day ?  Then thought occurred to me, what if there really was a "time machine" and you could go back.  If you could pick any day in your past what would it be?  If you could relive in 24 hr period, would you relive one of the happiest days of your life or would you go back and undo a wrong?  Would you fix or change something you've regretted your whole life?

My first  thought is to change something I did  in the Fall of 1984.  I can't elaborate on that because my book publisher's keep complaining about how much of the book I'm posting on my blog.  But that's a day I will always regret.  The problem is if I change the events of that day, my whole life changes.  All the wonderful people I've met, I probably wouldn't have ever met.  But that would be a risk I would be willing to take, just to relive that one day.

I've never grieved over anyone before.  I'm not sure how long it takes you to get over the feelings of sorrow.  I've been told that once the the pain and sorrow subside then the lonliness takes over.  I can't imagine the pain ever going away.  I feel the pain and the lonliness together some days.  Tonight after dark, I sat out on the deck staring at the empty space where Bruce's boat used to sit.  Then I would look at the empty seat beside me and think, this time last year he was here. 

I grieved at the end of my marriage.  After, nearly 20 years, it seemed like a death.  But Mike and I remained friends.  I've always known and still know to this day he is there for me, if I ever needed him.  We had an inside joke about always being each other's "plan B".  But with Bruce, it's just over.  There's no friendship, there's no "if you ever need me, call me".  He's just gone. 

I see his face and hear his laughter everyday.  When I'm ready to move on, I'm afraid no one will ever compare.  Bruce loved me unconditionally.  I've heard those words before, but he was the first and only person who meant them.  He loved me for me and I loved him.  I loved everything about him.  I wish I could stop thinking about him for at least an hour or two a day, but I can't.  If I'm awake, my thoughts are always on him.  I miss him so much.

I'm supposed to meet with my attorney's in the morning at 9am.  I'm not sure why.  I'm hoping this "Will" mess will be over with.  I've spent the last couple nights in Bruce's house.  I had it sold, but the Judge canceled the sell when the "sisters" contested the Will.  It's been a blessing staying there.  I have cherished memories of him all around me, but I've also had time to grieve.  

I keep expecting to hear him in the kitchen cooking, or singing in the shower.  (He was a horrible singer. LOL) I can hear the soles of his dress shoes walking across the hard wood floors, smell his cologne and then reality will hit and I realize none of those things will ever happen again.  I slept so soundly last night, when I woke up at 5 am, I was actually shocked to find the left side of the bed empty.  Then, of course the tears started.  But I got up and thanked God for the time I did have with him and thanked God that Bruce found something in me worth loving.  I still can't figure out what such an amazing man found lovable in me, but I'm grateful that he did.I tried to go through my pictures on my camera of him, but I couldn't see them for the tears.  I don't have very many.  He hated having his picture taken.  He said he had a German nose that couldn't be hid in a photo.  But I thought his nose was beautiful.

I've given their letter lots of thought.  First, Bruce never mentioned to me his inability to speak when he was young.  That doesn't mean that is not true. I just can't figure this strange family out.  Is our culture that is so different or is the family really that dysfuntional?  His sister's were 12 and 14 years older then him.  I have friends who are lots older than a sibling and they had the opposite effect.  They treated the new baby as if it was their's.  These women pretended he didn't exist.  It's no wonder he didn't speak, he must have thought no one was listening.  I can't imagine being 11 or 12 years old and spending a month all alone.  What kind of family did he have that he would rather spend his time on a cliff over looking the water than spend it with his family.  

He told me his first day of military school was so scary he wanted to cry.  He said they yelled at him constantly about everything.  His room mate Val was his buffer.  Val was bold and outpoken, just the opposite of Bruce.  After Bruce died Val told me he had watched over Bruce the first year of military school, because Bruce was so sensitive he took offense to everything.  But eventually, he said after the first year the teachers started noticing Bruce's intelligence when it came to air command's and  Bruce signed up for flight classes when he was 13.  Although, you had to be 16, they decided to let him in.  Val said Bruce    eventually became the teacher's favorite student.  I can certainly see that.

Val said their first year at military school one 12 year old boy, hung himself because of the stress.  Bruce was the one that found his body.  Val started to cry and wouldn't finish the story.  I can't imagine someone as tender hearted as Bruce finding the body of a boy his age and knowing he killed himself must have been hard on Bruce. Val said Bruce was so upset the school wanted to send him home for a semister but his parents said no.  What is wrong with them?  

Bruce said to me "I wept at my father's funeral and again at my mother's.  Not at the loss of my parents, but at the loss of a future with them.  I always thought someday they would love me.  Someday they would be proud of me.  I wept because the opportunity for family had passed." He said his mother died just shortly before he came to the US.  He  said as he sat at the reading of the will he was stunned at the amount of money he inheritated.  He said it was a large amount and less than half of what his sister's each inherited.  I ask did that hurt him.  He said no, he didn't need the money. He lived off his earnings.  The money was given to him because it was the law.  They had given him the smallest amount possible.  I think that was the only time he ever lied.  Because even though he said it didn't bother him, the hurt was written all over his face and in his watery eyes.

Well, I just got a call from my attorney's that Ernesti and Fritzi (seriously), have decided to pack it up and go home.  All that's left is the paper work.  I don't think the Judge would have allowed them to put on all the witness that had lined up.  None of them could testify to anything.  My attorney said it was just a scare tatic to get me to accept their off.  "Offer?" I couldn't believe they were making me an offer on something that was mine.  But it's over for now.  I won't believe it until I see it in writing and have the check in my hand.  I hope Bruce would be proud that I stuck it out and he doesn't think I'm greedy.  I keep telling myself, he wanted me to have it.  So I hope he's happy.

I guess, I like to write, because sometimes, I think my life should be a movie.  Not that my life is exciting in anyway, but there are certain movie quotes that stick out in my mind and I imagine them in my life.  Of course, my favorite movies are the romantic ones.  I love "Gone with the Wind".  Before I started dating Bruce, I dated a guy named  Mike.  Mike was a huge guy, a former NFL player and Vice-President of Loss, Prevention and Forecloures for Wells Fargo Bank.  We had been on two dates and he hadn't even tried to kiss me.  On our 3rd date we had gone to Whidbey Island to his cabin fishing for the day.  After 4 or 5 hours I asked why he hadn't kissed me and was he just not intersted.  He laughed and said he was interested.  He grabbed me and said "As Rhett said to Scarlett you need kissed often and by a real man."  I have to say I fell for it and thought that was pretty romantic.  Mike and I didn't last.  We are still friends, but nothing more.

My favorite movie line is from "You've Got Mail".  When Frank and Kathleen are sitting in a coffee shop breaking up and Frank asked Kathleen was there someone else.  She said "No. No, but there's the dream of someonelse."  I love that.  I've always dreamed that I would have the perfect romantic man.  I found him in Bruce.  Bruce is gone but my dream lives on.  Somewhere out there is another "Bruce".  My heart will know when the time is right.  However, for now I'll just cherish the memories of my Sweet German Gentleman.

I don't have a lot of time.  I just wanted to jot down a thought or two. I was wondering how many times can a heart be broken and survive?  How many times can you lose faith in friends, family and even mankind before you say enough is enough?  I don't understand.  The Dalai Lama once said "Our prime purpose in life is to help others.  If you can't help them at least don't hurt them."  I'm as guilty as the next, when comes to being hurt my instinct is to  hurt back.  I know we are all like that.  Some have the courage and the self-control not too.  When I divorced years ago I never had the urge to do anything to hurt my ex-husband.  Not once.  He was a cheater, but he was a good man and still is. He never tried to hurt me either.  We both knew after 19 long years together it was time.  We said our good-byes and told each other we still loved each other and that was that.  My heart was broken.  The scar healed over and I went on.  When Bruce died, my heart was broken again.  The wound is still open and raw.  I'm sitting here today wondering how people can be so mean.  How people can call someone they don't know names and judge their lives.  These people aren't even calling me by my name.  They've called me Ms. Richet all morning and that's the nicest thing they've called me.  I have to say I am grateful to his family for sending him (Bruce) away.  If they had not, he might have grown up to be bitter, hateful and just plain mean like these two women.  All morning long, I've thought to myself, where is their humanity?  Their kindness? Their sense of fair play?  Why does money make people act like wolves? 

Last weekend I sent someone an email apologizing for mean things I said.  I started the email telling him how very much I loved him.  How much he meant to me and reminding him how much of me I had given him.  Not just money, but my heart and soul.  I ended the letter with I love you.  But the middle was filled with the "good bye".  I didn't remind him of all the hurtful things he had said and done to me.  All the lies that I knew he had told me but I never confronted him with. I didn't think I needed too.  I'm certain he already knew.  I told him that I forgave him for his behavior.  I told him I knew he was a better man than that and maybe it was me that brought out the worst in him.  Maybe I deserved the treatment he gave me.  Maybe I should have been stronger and walked away sooner.  As, I  signed the email, I gave it the same signature I had for the last 3 years.  I love you, Forever, B.

Before I hit send.  I read it again and again.  Then it hit me.  I didn't deserve the treatment he gave me.  I'm not responsible for his behavior.  There is no excuse for being mean to people, there is not excuse for hurting someone that has been so good to you.  There is no excuse for cheating on someone who would die for you.  I left the words I wrote.  I didn't delete them but I added this to the end.

PS.  I'll do my best to erase the bad memories and hold dear to the good ones.  Friendship is not possible with us, because your not someone I would ever consider a friend.  But I do hope that whatever causes your quick temper and anger to flair up is something you learn to overcome.  I hope, no one ever treats you the way you've treated me.  I hope you have a good life, but its not a life I ever want to be a part of.